The Art of Receiving Feedback

“No man is an island, entire of itself….” – John Donne

As relational beings, all our experiences in life are underpinned by how we related to others and our relationships with ourselves. No, we are not an island and we cannot evolve merely on our own. It is through our relationship with others that we learn about ourselves, examine a different perspective and learn an alternate way of being and doing. We grow and develop through our interactions with those around us. We, in turn, impact the growth and development of those around us through our relationship with them. Giving and receiving constructive and effective feedback is one of the most important communication skills needed. This is never more so true than in a work environment.

 It is all in the giving and the receiving

In an ideal world, the art of giving good feedback can be described as the pragmatic information and constructive criticism used to describe an individual or a groups behaviours and actions. The art of receiving feedback is then using the information and the constructive criticism received in an open and receptive manner to improve behaviours and actions. However, we often struggle with giving and receiving feedback specifically if that feedback is negative in nature. We are concerned about offending the other person. Our egos are bruised when we hear something negative about our behaviours and actions. Particularly when we have invested time, energy and emotions into something we care about. This is human nature nonetheless, we can all benefit from learning the art of feedback!

 There is a lot of information out there helping us to master the steps in giving effective feedback. Though, the ability to receive feedback especially if it is negative in nature is just as important. Especially in the pursuit of personal growth and development.

Firstly, let me say it isn’t easy to be open to negative feedback when we are so heavily invested in a situation that we are receiving the feedback for. Whether it is on our performance at work, or our leadership abilities or even the way we have handled a certain project; we tend to shut down and become defensive in the face of criticism. But if we learn to be open and receptive to what is being said we can gain invaluable information and learn more about ourselves.

 4 Steps to receiving feedback

1.You are more than the feedback you receive

We don’t always receive feedback in the manner that we want it. At times the tone, the choice of words and the body language of the person delivering the feedback does not sit well with us. We cannot control how another person delivers the feedback. We can, however, control the way we view the feedback and our reaction towards it. Learning to see all feedback as useful data for self-improvement requires self-awareness. Feedback of any kind is just that feedback, it does not define who we are. It is imperative for us to create a separation from the feedback that we receive and our sense of self.

 Mark Murphy, the author of Hiring for Attitude states that “If every ounce of feedback becomes personalised, if it becomes viewed as an indictment of who you are, your existence and the reason for living, then it is going to be tough accepting feedback.” Develop a thick skin, it will serve you well. This does not mean you should deny the emotions you feel. If you feel hurt or angry acknowledge that this is what you feel. It does mean that you must stop the self-defeating self-talk that clouds your perception and judgement.

2.Breathe

Negative feedback and criticism can trigger psychological as well as physiological responses in our body. Our thoughts race, our heartbeat increase and we can feel a surge of anxiety. Taking deep breaths helps us to connect with our body and slow down our thoughts. This allows us to ground ourselves so that we may respond without reacting. Practising mindfulness daily will help you to get into the “breathe” mode during such a situation.

 3.Actively Listen

Active listening is one of the most vital skills you can have. The way we listen has a huge impact on the quality of all our relationships both at work and at home. It is easy to shut down or become defensive when we are at the receiving end of feedback that we particularly do not like. Though when we do this we miss vital information and we let self-sabotaging talk take over.

Active listening is both an internal and external process. Pay attention to what the person is saying involves picking up verbal and non-verbal cues of the other person. Maintain good eye contact and having open body language sets the scene for active listening. Summarising what we have heard, clarifying any misunderstanding and asking questions is equally an important part of the process.

Internally we must be able to put aside any disruptive thoughts, perceptions and beliefs. Recognise what we are feeling without acting upon our feelings as we focus on being present. We cannot do all of this without having a certain level of self-awareness and emotional intelligence. The quest for self-awareness and emotional intelligence is not a finite one and it needs to be a lifelong process.

4.Reflect

Allow yourself the permission to take some time to reflect on what has been said. It is ok to say you need some time to digest the feedback you have received. If this is what is needed for you, it is important that you come up with a short time frame in which you will reflect and return with a response. You could organise to meet again that afternoon or the following day for example.

Take the time to let the information sink in. Discerning between our emotional reactivity and the actual situation is paramount before we formulate a response. Be open and honest in your response and have the courage to assert your response respectfully will not only benefit you but also your relationship with others.

The way you receive feedback in your organisation can set precedent for the way others receive feedback. Receiving negative feedback and criticism can be painful but it can lead to a different perspective and self-improvement. If we allow ourselves to receive feedback with grace and humility we will see the hidden gems amongst the initial feelings of hurt, anger and frustration.