How do you feel about conflict?

What is your connection with conflict- especially workplace conflict? If I ask you to reflect on workplace conflict what words, feelings and thoughts emerge for you about workplace conflict? Is it something that must be evaded at all costs or is it a malevolent event that you find yourself in the midst of with sweaty palms, tightness in your chest and anxiety without having confidence to assert yourself? What does conflict mean to you?

In my experience quite simply conflict is the challenge between people with contrasting needs, ideas, beliefs, values or goals.  By the nature of being human we are unique in the way we process information, in the way we think and how we feel. No two people experience and decipher circumstances and their own feelings in relation to these circumstances in the same way. Is it any wonder then that we frequently have opposing needs, ideas, beliefs, values or goals?

Many of us are reluctant to engage in workplace conflict or any kind of conflict for that matter for several reasons. Firstly, we often perceive conflict equating to combat. Secondly it leaves us with unpleasant feelings and we often do not know how to manage these feelings. Thirdly we do not have the tools required to navigate our way through challenging conversations with people in a constructive manner.

Nevertheless, conflict evasion is not healthy for our professional or personal relationships and it squashes creativity and development. If we drop the negative connotation associate with conflict, we can see many positive payoffs to it. However, we must be taught to manage our thoughts, feelings and behaviours effectively when we find ourselves in conflict.

There are several benefits of conflict when handled properly such as:

• Developing new perspective
• Creating opportunity for personal development
• Increase in learning and growth through exchange of different ideas
• Improvement of decision making abilities
• Expression of diversity
• Exploration of issues
• Rise in group cohesion
• Building of trust

Unfortunately, the side effect of inadequate conflict management in the workplace results in team corrosion, decrease in productivity, eradication of motivation and an upsurge in frustration and anger. We all must alter the way we interpret conflict! Conflict is inevitable and must not be seen as the proverbial evil that has to be avoided.

Conflict management is first a mindset and then a skillset! William James the celebrated philosopher and psychologist stated that “whenever you are in a conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make a difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. The factor is attitude”.

Therefore, our attitude is a fundamental aspect of any conflict management strategy. If we participate with all guns blazing and endeavour to only gratify our needs and concerns without willing to understand the other person/people we are “competing” according to Ken Thomas and Ralf Kilmann (creators of TKI conflict resolution model). Conflict is unavoidable but combat is optional!

On the other hand, if we have not been taught appropriate skills in assertiveness and are not cooperative in understanding the other person’s point of view we will “avoid” conflict at all costs. However, many of us find ourselves trying to please other people without honouring our ideas and needs, especially in a work situation. We merely may not have the skills or the confidence needed to be assertive and so we realise that we are “accommodating” to others- this often leads to resentment.

In any conflict management strategy our position must move from comprising to collaborating as seen in the TKI conflict resolution model below.  Collaboration whilst engaging in a difficult conversation requires the 3 C’s:

• Courage- to honour your needs, value your ideas and opinions. You matter!
• Confidence – to be assertive despite sweaty palms, tightness in the chest and anxiety.Finding your voice!
• Connection – remaining connected and present with the other person/people and aim to understand and be open minded to their point of view. Understand to be understood!

No man is an island! We are relational beings and so conflict is an inescapable part of our professional and personal life. It does not have to be a bad thing if we are all taught how to manage ourselves and understand others when we encounter contradictory needs, ideas, beliefs, values or goals to our own.