How to be Responsive in a Reactive world

The other night I was watching the Olympics games and it struck me the level of raw emotions each and every athlete will experience during this intense two-week period. Feeling extreme highs and lows of competing in races vying for the first place position and the coveted title of the gold medal winner. Though, often walking away with the utter disappointment of not reaching their desired goals.

A night in front of the T.V watching the Olympic games made me think of a proverb that I heard many years ago – you are a product of your choices and not the victim of your circumstances.  This little saying struck a chord with me the first time I heard it and concurrently it also felt paradoxical to me. Are we totally a product of our choices? How can we completely be a product of our choices when our lives are subjected to so many things that happen outside of our control? It was only as a result of series of testing circumstances that were outside of my control that I fully grasped the meaning of being a product of my choices and not a victim of my circumstances.

Life does not stop for anybody! It continues to happen to us with all its gusto and fury. It dances and weaves bringing with it triumphs and tragedies. The secret to successfully riding the wave of life lies in having a responsive approach to events and circumstances in life. Zig Ziglar excellently stated that “It is not the situation, but whether we react or respond to the situation that’s important.”  Responsiveness is antithetical to being reactive because it has an internal locus of control, unlike reactiveness which by its nature has an external locus of control. So how does a responsive characteristic help us to successfully manoeuvre our way through circumstances both personally and professionally?

Responsive Characteristic 

I describe those who display a responsive behavioural trait to be solution focused, forward thinking, assertive and most importantly choose how they respond to circumstances in their lives whether the circumstances are in their control or not.  With an internal locus of control, responsive people intrinsically believe that they are able to control their feelings, emotions and ultimately their behaviours towards any circumstances in their lives. Hence they are a product of how they respond to their circumstances and not become a victim of their circumstances.

Reactive Characteristic

By the same token, a reactive characteristic is predominantly problem focused with an external locus of control. When we are reactive we allow external forces to control our emotions, feelings, and our behaviours. We become slaves to our circumstances and do not have the capacity to choose a more appropriate way to respond to situations. Reactiveness is disempowering!

We have all been there before

Regardless of our career title or who we are in our personal life we often tend to wear the hat of a Chief Firefighter on duty trying to extinguish reactive fires.  We have all been there before have we not? We have all operated from a reactive mode to certain events in our lives! In these moments we often find ourselves unprepared, frantic and emotionally exhausted. However, it is in these moments that we must learn to control our response to our circumstances to create a different perspective, one that helps us to move forward.

How to move past the impulse reactivity

Being responsive rather than reactive necessitates a real conscious effort. It involves a real shift in focus and requires practice and patience.

One of the most powerful and simple techniques I use and teach my clients is the S.T.O.P technique. This can be used anywhere at any time and with continuous practice, it will help you become more responsive and less reactive.

S – Slow down and even pause when you notice you are going down the reactive path.

T – Take a few deep breaths.

O – Observe your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. What is happening to you in that moment? Note that your thoughts are not facts and they are not permanent. Learn to give a name to your emotions, for example, “I am feeling reactive” or “I am feeling angry”. Research has shown that naming your emotion creates a calming effect.

P – Proceed and reconnect with what you are doing.

The S.T.O.P technique will allow you to interrupt the reactive thought process in your mind just enough for you to be able to choose a different response to the present situation. Just like building any positive habit, breaking the reactive cycle will take some time and consistent effort.

Many things are outside of our control, we often do not have a choice in the events and circumstances we experience in our lives, but we can choose how we react to our circumstances. Being responsive allows us to be a product of our choices and not a victim of our circumstances. This allows us to take control of our lives, make better decisions and be solution focused rather than problem focused. Isn’t that what we all want as we surf the wave of life?